Segundus rolled Childermass over when he was done bathing his legs and pushed his hair aside to put cool water on the nape of his neck and then his back. Childermass' body felt cooler to the touch now, but Segundus applied the cloth to his shoulder blades again and felt a small shudder under his hands.
"You're going to drown me," said Childermass, lifting his face from the pillow. Segundus drew away and Childermass turned to his side and then let himself fall onto his back. He closed his eyes briefly as if moving even that small amount had cost him a lot of energy and then opened them again
He looked first at Segundus, who was watching him with a gaping mouth, and then down at his naked body and smirked.
"Good. I see you got rid of that night shirt Honeyfoot forced me in to."
Segundus was approaching delirium with the relief he felt. Here in front of him, Chilermass was breathing and speaking and he had given Segundus one of the moments of that let him believe all would be well in the end. He was comforted even by the landmarks on Childermass' body that he had put to heart over the last three mornings and nights. He still tried not to look, but the chest moving with Childermass' breath had the pattern of hair that Segundus knew he would only find on that one man's body and it was a welcome sight. He brushed some hair from his forehead and saw that his hands were shaking and he lowered them with care to avoid Childermass seeing.
"This magic has been very hard on you,” he said. “I don’t understand why I have recovered and you haven’t.”
“Maybe I am being punished for leaving my master,” said Childermass.
This was a hard thought for Segundus to introduce to his mind. He frowned as he as he set the wet rag on the floor.
“Did you know that you left your bed?" Segundus asked.
"Yes," Childermass. "It did not work exactly as planned, but I was looking for you, so I suppose I met my goal."
"What for?"
"To tell you well done. To ease your mind and let you see that your magic had really not killed me. To apologize. I was much more unkind to you than I like to remember."
Segundus opened his mouth to say something, but stopped suddenly, remembering that only one of the two spells over them had been broken.
"You are frightened of yourself still?"
Segundus nodded. He had been kneeling on the floor while he bathed Childermass and got up now and sat on the bed next to him. He allowed his body a bit of respite from the fright of the last several minutes and slowly, his aggressively beating heart resumed a normal rhythm and the shaking in his hands faded.
Segundus turned back to cover up Childermass, who had started shivering a bit from the cold water on his skin and then he rested his head in his hands and let his mind drain of thoughts as much as it would.
Childermass' injured hand dangled from the bed, spots of red making a map of its encounter with the wall on the white. When Segundus noticed, he motioned at it with a nod while looking at Childermass, who nodded back. He took the hand and undid the bandage made from his handkerchief. Using the wet rag, he wiped the crusted blood away and then wrapped it again with the one that was still dry.
"I did not get to say it, Segundus," said Childermass. "Well done. What you did on my behalf, to give back some of my freedom; it did not go unnoticed. It was also very good magic."
"It was..." Segundus could think of no words to finish the sentence how he wanted, how he felt he should. Instead, he used the pitcher he had brought to the bedside to pour Chidermass a glass of water.
"It was as I said. Good magic and a kind act."
Childermass took the water from Segundus' hand and drank it in a desperate gulp that Segundus watched go down his throat. He handed the glass back and Segundus set it on the floor and turned away again. The room was quiet and Segundus considered to himself if it was necessary to stay with Childermass until Honeyfoot woke. Several minutes had passed without speaking when Segundus jumped at the feeling of a hand placed softly on his thigh. His shock at the touch caused Childermass to draw his hand back quickly. By the time Segundus had swiveled to look at him, Childermass had flicked his eyes away.
"Childermass."
"Do not misunderstand me-"
"Childermass," he said again, but he did not think Childermass understood what he was trying to let him know.
In offering, Segundus put one of his hands on the bed next to him. Childermass studied it for a while, like it was something dangerous he must approach with caution, before taking it in his own, loosely at first, fearfully, and when he found no objection, tighter. The hand he used was his injured one, but he did not grimace like action was painful to him.
"I do not understand," said Segundus, watching their hands together. Childermass did not give an answer but not letting go of him and Segundus became fascinated by the feeling of their palms pressed together.
"Segundus-"
"I think-" Segundus' voice got caught in a choke. "I think, confusing as it may be, that we can use each other's Christian names now. The last few days have given us that, at least."
"John, then. There is something I have wondered. And now is the time to ask. Are you- were you- in love with Jonathan Strange?"
"No!"
Segundus could feel himself beginning to blush and thought it odd that this was only just now happening considering that he was holding hands with a nude man whom had he just touched all over his body.
"I admired him. Admire him. But he was a married man. And besides..."
Segundus could feel, even though he had broken eye contact with Childermass, that he was still being watched carefully. He could sense that Childermass was waiting for something from him and so he glanced over for a second to tell him yes to whatever it was.
"When you think of love," asked Childermass. "What is that to you? What does that person look like?"
"I cannot say-"
"Have you never for a moment allowed yourself to imagine happiness?"
"It is very difficult-" Segundus began. He lifted his eyes for a moment and looked over at Childermass and then away again. "To live as a poor man. To be, in your heart, different from others."
"Is that your answer?"
"Yes."
Silence, allowed introduction, grew between them. At first Segundus was not sure what shape the silence would take, but it was soft and kind. He had not known what to expect after he said what he did, but Childermass held his hand still and he was comforted by it.
"It is a fine answer," said Childermass after a time. "Would you consider me? As friend? Or as more?"
"John," he stumbled, caught unaware by what the name sounded like. It was his own name, one he had heard so often but, like the spell that had broken them apart yesterday, had been given sudden new meaning. "John, I did not know, hadn't thought that this was possible-"
Childermass was watching him, trying not smile.
"I did not know," Segundus said again feebly.
Childermass laughed and Segundus thought back to the magic he had done the night before. Unlike when he freed Lady Pole, he could still feel the spell he had done yesterday burrowed in him and it woke now, pulsing.
"All that was required was a yes or no," said Childermass.
And Segundus nodded.
Childermass pulled himself up in the bed and leaned over and kissed him.
The first kiss was soft. The magic inside Segundus stretched happily when their mouths met, as if it liked the closeness of Childermass, or wanted him to know something. He moved closer in the bed since Childermass could not.
The second kiss was much longer and some of the caution was gone between them. John Segundus felt that the magic, the magic that so clearly piqued when Childermass was touching him, would soon burn pin prick holes through his skin. Childermass held Segundus softly at the base of his neck with one hand and laid back on the bed as the kiss continued.
Segundus did not know how to move in a bed with another person but felt a hand at his back leading him closer and then it moved and guided one leg apart until his knees were on either side of Childermass. Their bodies met, pressed together at the hips where Segundus' night shirt had ridden up to. He felt Childermass moving with care underneath him and his body responding to their movements against each other and the meeting of skin. The filled each other's mouths with little moans and those and the occasional, stifled sound of the name John from one of them were all that could be heard in the room for some time.
And then Childermass shivered fiercely and Segundus opened his eyes. He pulled away and studied Childermass looking up at him. The shiver he had felt in Childermass moved again through him and his hairline was beaded with sweat.
"You aren't well, still," he said.
Childermass would not confirm it, but he shook again and shut his eyes for the span of several labored breaths. When he opened them, Segundus was still watching him with concern.
"You know if you were so inclined, you could tell me to be well enough to be with you now and I would be. You could tell me to want you and if I didn't already, I would. If you desired more than a night, you could tell me to love you. I would live in blissful happiness only able to show you that I did."
"I could not," said Segundus. "I could never."
"I would know no difference. You would not even try it for a moment, to see what it was like? I would not even have to remember it. 'Childermass, forget.' That is all you would have to say."
"Why would you say this to me? It's very frightening."
Childermass sighed deeply.
"Only to show you, to tell you, how uncommonly good you are. I am sorry to have frightened you."
Segundus moved his body from on top of Childermass' and sat on the bed next to him. He felt he had to touch him still in some way, could not help but give into the want of it, so he rested his hand on Childermass' chest.
"I don't think, while this spell stands, that I can, that we can, be together in this way," he said. "I think it's both unsafe and unfair to you."
"That you cannot think of yourself even now is both endearing and frustrating to me," said Childermass and he put his hand on top of Segundus'.
"I can't have done all that I have only to be careless with your well-being now."
The nod of affirmation and thanks Childermass gave was barely perceptible, but Segundus saw it.
"Could I at least see this body that you have been hiding from me for days?" Childermass asked.
Segundus was surprised at how little he had to think on this request. In answer, he removed his hand from Childermass’ chest and pulled his night shirt over his head and let himself be studied as knelt on the bed. When Childermass's eyes had not left him for several unbroken seconds, he felt he had to ask.
"What?"
Childermass sighed again. Segundus was beginning to notice that he did this often, but he did not mind.
"You would not believe me if I told you."
Segundus had nothing to weigh the experience against, but he felt that he did not mind being watched by Childermass at all and sat still and comfortable for some time like that.
"Will you dress and leave me?" asked Childermass.
"Not if you don't want it," said Segundus.
"I don't."
Segundus lay down in the bed took Childermass into his arms, absorbing some of the shivers still going through him. Their legs wrapped around each other’s and because his neck was so close, Segundus kissed it.
In minutes, Childermass had fallen asleep again and Segundus told the magic pulling at him for an answer that Childermass would be well and he would not leave him and that it could rest.